I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
