I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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