I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
