You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
