I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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