The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Randomize
