I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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