those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My balls are so social today.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
