Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
