stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
