I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
