broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
it was like eating out sand paper
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
