What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
