Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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