Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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