she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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