Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
