Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
