My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
