Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
