Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
