Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize