my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
