He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
