If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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