I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
