There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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