when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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