i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
