Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
How's work?
Spinning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
