I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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