Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
