Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
