I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
