Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
