I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
