I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
