I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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