he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
