her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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