The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
