I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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