mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize