ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
