he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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