Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize