Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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