absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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