um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
