i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize