I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
