i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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