dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
