I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i dont even know how to be here
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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