Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
