apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
