My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
